MIND MATTERS: SELF-ESTEEM   

Self-esteem is a measure of how much we value ourselves, what we think of ourselves and how much we like ourselves. It is not inborn, but rather learned through relationships we have with people important to us during our early years, primarily our family. The seeds of self-esteem are planted while we’re infants, and they grow or diminish in the interactions we have with significant others over time.  

Healthy self-esteem may appear as confidence—looking and feeling as though you have innate worth, that you’re comfortable and content with who you are. A woman with healthy self-esteem focuses on the positive. She may experience some self-doubt or become discouraged, but such feelings don’t incapacitate her and typically are brief. She has a variety of quality human relationships, and she has a diversity of skills and interests. She’s realistic about her strengths and weaknesses, and she’s emotionally stable. 

A person with low self-esteem, however, sees himself as a helpless victim of fate, as though he exerts little or no control over his life. He often sees others as critical and rejecting, and slights and disappointments can trigger prolonged negative feelings. He has trouble controlling anger and using it effectively. He believes he lacks inner resources, and may feel he has no one to confidently rely upon. He exercises poor judgment in selection of friends and partners and worsens it by tolerating abusive behaviors. He is harshly self-critical.

Each of us knows someone like the above, and maybe it’s you! If your self-esteem needs work, here’s how you can rebuild it (and teach your children): 

1. Accept your feelings as rational and valid. Trace their sources, recognizing that strong feelings don’t mean you’re out of control. Trust your feeling reactions are real. Allow yourself to express those feelings.
2. Learn to please yourself. Know what you like, want and need. Clarify what’s negotiable and what’s not. Believe you’re important enough to state what you want. Take action on your own behalf. Participate in a variety of activities. Reserve private time for yourself.
3. Identify your strengths. Revalue your personal skills and qualities. Be courageous about being successful. Make positive statements about yourself, to yourself and to others.
4. Know and accept your imperfections and be gentle with yourself. Have realistic expectations and manageable ideals that inspire you. Feel calm in the face of criticism. Accept compliments with grace and without diminishing them.

Healthy self-esteem is critical for our survival. Do what it takes to build yours and the fragile, developing selves of your children. 

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Wendy Jameson, MA, offers business and personal coaching through her company, Potentiate (www.potentiate.net). She's an author, counselor, consultant and life adventurer. She lives in Gilbert with her husband, two boys and pet menagerie.